Sandbox

"So . . . you have some vacation time coming up" she says. "Yeeeeees", you exhale slowly. You knew it was coming. It was inevitable. You have been in this house for 5 years and until now you have managed to escape this conversation each year. But not today. No, today you will have to take your spine out of the closet where it has nestled snuggly alongside that size medium Quiet Riot tee you got the summer of '84. The one with the little hole near the hem at the bottom, and the mustard stain on the left sleeve that has mostly faded from age. It WILL fit again. IT WILL!

So it has finally come to this. You have to finish the basement. And you have NO IDEA what you're doing. But don't worry. I'm going to help you. We ARE going to get through this. First I'm going to give you a couple of simple assignments to get you in the right frame of mind. First assignment. Go down to the basement by yourself. Head over to where the furnace and water heater are sitting next to each other in the corner. Go around to the other side of it so if she comes down to see what you are doing you'll have a little warning before she can actually see you. Now, take off your shirt and ball it up loosely. Last thing, bury your face in it. Now start crying. Make it good, like William Jefferson in front of his newly emptied freezer. Cause this is the end of your discretionary time for the next 3 months. Oh she THINKS you'll get it done before you squander the last of your sacred vacation time on this gleaming gem of futility. But she is so wrong.

I'd feel like Jerry Falwell at a Senate confirmation hearing if I didn't didn't disclose something to you right now. You can forget about watching baseball this summer. And grilling. And fishing. And maybe the first couple of weeks of Monday Night Football. Now for the bright side. This will end. There is an end to it. I personally have finished many a basement. Large and small. So do not fear. You have come to the right place. (Now how do I get this funny shaped pencil to fit in the electric sharpener . . .)